Monday, November 28, 2011

Years from now..

I want to look back on my life one day and say that I was alive... And I tried.
.. I really tried...
I never turned my back on anything or anyone...I poured my heart into everything I did.. I fought hard for the things I wanted..I set my goals high.. chased endless dreams...I loved beyond boundaries and expectations.. I found peace in all the simple things.. I smiled when I could have frowned.. laughed when I should've cried..
.. Took chances after chances.. I lived by faith... befriended the lost.. embraced the lonely.. I stayed humble.. worked hard and played hard.. But most importantly.. I was happy. I found complete happiness.

Our plans were only sketches.. Nailed to a wall to collect dust

The hardest time Ive ever faced in my life is saying hello for the first time and goodbye for the last..

You came into my world of black and white and changed it to neon vivid kaleidoscopic color. You put stars in my eyes and set my skin on fire simply with a smile. My love for you has no limit, no fear, no delusion, no doubt, no expiration date and no expectation other than its existence. The whole world surrounding disappears whenever Im near you.. even in my distant day-dream imagination. Youre my secret hiding place.. the one love I get lost within.. my safe and silent saving grace. You blur the lines between my dreams and my waking into the same thing. Every song, sunrise, smile, reflection of stars against the lake, or any beautiful thing makes me see your face. Youre a blessing and a vision of truth. You take my heart with you everytime you leave in hopes that you'll always bring it back to me. Jet planes still arent fast enough to bring you back to me. You are beautiful inside and out in every sense of the word if you simply allow yourself to be. Youre just too vibrant to hold onto...too set free.. yet at the same time too blind to see any of that... because the tighter I hold onto you the faster I smother the flame. I feel Helpless because it doesnt matter how much of myself I pour into you.. it will never be enough. I can never make you see yourself in the same way I do. You come through the door like a bag of rocks.. wounded all the time.

You will never hear me say this was all a waste of time because it wasnt...far from it... but time is not on our side. I think you need to give yourself time to learn to love yourself first before you can move forward. Youre so quick to throw your hands up at such simple things but life isnt about money, or fame, or our illusions of endless working.. its simple.. its about the smallest of things.. like us and it always has been. I'd love to be your escape route every time you need me to be but it's always the same uneasy feeling I get when I snap back to reality and realize that Im only here for the moment.. nothing less and nothing more. I could tell you in endless ways that I could fix it, fix you, fix us and i could keep putting bandages over all those cuts and scars that bind your heart like chains.. and I could keep knocking down the walls over and over and over.. While you keep building them and I could literally give my every ounce of energy to you.. gladly.. but in the end it will always have the same result until you love yourself first. I need you to see what I see. Then you can learn to push away everything and everyone bad for you and learn to hold on tight to everything good. You can learn to love all over again and learn to fall in love the right way and the right person will be there to catch you when you do. Dont ever give up on yourself, who you are, what you love or what you want to be even while you keep them hidden.. I can't change the past with us or the past that has brought you here and I can't lose what's left of myself trying to make you see all the good things that are waiting after the storm. It takes trust and true believing. Believe in who you are and take back all the happiness and love that belongs to you that you've let gracefully slip away and love yourself first and watch all the doors open to all the right things.
And with no regrets..While time is against us.. I'm letting us go..

I will love you always. Never forget that even when you forget me. Xoxo

Blue sky.. when you gonna learn to rain?
let yourself go blue for once..and let go of that weight.. youve been carrying..
I can take care of you but only if you want...
I'm strong enough to carry you across the icy lake..
.. but i cant fight your blues..
Cuz i know ill lose whats left of my mind..
I cant win..
..but for you
i will try..
My baby blue..

I'll always remember the day your eyes changed colors.. just like the reflection of the day. As the color changed in your eyes.. I saw straight into your heart. Right then I knew that in that moment of nothing less than perfection... my heart was no longer mine to keep.. it was yours to take.

Goodbye my love. Xoxo